So Larry had been talking about trying this product called 'Nads' to remove the hair on his back. I have seen it on late night infomercials and I knew it was similar to waxing but, he didn't seem to grasp that concept. To him it was going to be the save all for his ever more dense by the year, back hair problems. To me it was just a funny name for something most likely to inflict pain.
We were out running errands in the 109 degree heat yesterday like any sane person would be and we happen to stop in a Walgreens. Actually Larry spotted a Walgreens as we passed it. The fact that we were going the wrong way was merely a small challenge to any man in a 4 wheel drive SUV. One dusty field and a curb hop later and we were on the hunt for the ever elusive 'Nads'.
I was the first to spot it on the very bottom shelf of the Skin Care aisle. I ran through the store waiving it like Charlie with the Golden ticket. I found it! I found it! Woohoo! $40 and one cash register trainee later and we were on our way home with our newly acquired bundle of 'Nads'.
We giddily opened the box curious to see what 'Nads' was all about. Inside we found an instruction booklet, a CD, two bottles of soothing lotion (here's your sign), a plastic spatula, a bar of Kiwi soap, cloth strips and nestled at the bottom of the box, gently surrounded by styrofoam, we found our 'Nads'. We opened the jar and found this innocent looking goo of sorts almost the consistency of cold honey and shimmery green in color. I grabbed the CD and the instruction booklet and headed for the computer to learn all I could about the proper way to use our 'Nads'. The instructions seemed simple enough and the people in the videos on the CD seemed to be almost enjoying having the hair ripped from their flesh. One even said it felt like getting a massage. That was good enough for me. I was pumped up. I was ready. Gentlemen, lend me your backs! There is no follicle so tough that it cannot be tamed with a little 'Nads'. I grabbed Larry and told him to meet me upstairs. For the first time a look of fear stole across his face. "You are just a little too excited about this," he said to me. "Are you sure this is going to be ok?". "Piece if cake" was my reply.
Upstairs in our bathroom, I scrubbed his back with the kiwi soap then patted it dry paying close attention to all the directions the hair grew. I opened the 'Nads' and eagerly stabbed it with the spatula, stirred it up a bit and got a healthy glob of it ready to go. I opened the package of cloth strips and it was then that Larry had a moment of clarity. "Cloth strips? Isn't that what they use for waxing?", his eyes getting wider with each syllable. "Um, yes but, don't worry. This is supposed to be like getting a massage". I was a woman on a mission. There was hair to be removed and me and my trusty 'Nads' were on the job. Nothing was going to stop us now.
I spread the gob of goo across the first patch of hair and noticed Larry's nails were becoming one with the counter. "It's ok." I said cooingly. "Just a few patches and it will all be over with." And then I said the words I would live to regret. "If it will make you feel better, I plan on doing my upper lip, chin and sideburns when I am done with you." The words just came spewing from my mouth like some ancient volcano gone wild. I grabbed a cloth strip, placed it on the 'Nads', rubbed over it three times like the instructions had said to do, then grabbed an end, gritted my teeth and yanked. As the strip came off I didn't hear any noise coming from Larry so I assumed all was well. I was busy inspecting the cloth to see how much of the hair 'Nads' and I had grabbed when I looked up at the mirror. There I see the reflection of what was once Larry's face but, is now a contorted, red blob with bulging eyes and a mouth frozen open in a silent scream. "Did that hurt?" I innocently asked as if I had suddenly lost my eyesight. "YESSSSSS!" the thing in the mirror hissed back at me. At this point I was rethinking my earlier comment and wondering how I was going to get out of purposely torturing my poor face. Surely he won't want me to keep going. Surely he will tell me to stop. If he can't take it there is no way he is going to expect me to inflict this kind of pain on myself. I moved down the counter toward the box with the intention of packing it all up and taking it back to Walgreens when Larry stopped me and told me to keep going. "You can't be serious" I asked. Yes, yes he was. He was a man. He was as much a man on a mission now as I had been a woman on a mission earlier. He had wanted his 'Nads' and he found it. He was not backing out now no matter how much skin he lost. So here we went, me applying and ripping. Him making those silent scream faces.
Almost an eternity and half our 'Nads' later and his back was as smooth as a baby's butt. It was as red as one too and he had lost all feeling but, I had completed my mission. I was happy. I felt fulfilled. I had risen to the challenge of the back hair and won. It was then that he turned to me and said "Your turn". I mustered up all the courage I could find then waited until he was in the shower in case I couldn't go through with it and had to make my escape. I figured I would start small so I started with my chin. Small glob of goo. Cloth strip. Rub rub rub. Close my eyes. Grab the end and yank! As my bottom teeth came crashing into my upper teeth I realized I forgot to close my mouth which was probably a good thing since the reverberations the jolt sent through my spine were enough to numb me for a few seconds. Ok. Not too bad. I can still breathe, no cracked teeth so, let's go for a sideburn. I put my hair in a ponytail and spread 'Nads' from my hairline to my jawline on my right side. I put the cloth on top and as I grabbed a hold of it I gave it a gentle tug just to see how securely it was on there. The entire right side of my face moved up to my ear. This would have been fine if I were looking for a solution for getting a face-lift however, it was not reassuring for removing hair. I closed my eyes, said a prayer and remembering to close my mouth this time, pulled that cloth strip with all my might. I came to a minute later hovering over the counter with the cloth strip in a death grip in my hand. The only thing that kept me from hitting the floor was the fact I had pulled that strip so hard that my hand kept flying forward and my 'Nads' had stuck to the mirror.
Somehow I managed to get the second sideburn and upper lip done. I can't tell you how because I honestly do not remember. After the pain subsided I was amazed at how smooth my skin was and delighted that my menopausal facial hair was no more. That was until all the itchy, red, pimply looking bumps started. My only comfort is the fact that Larry has them too. As I sit here writing this with a face that resembles a pubescent teenager I can tell you that both Larry and I have proved our relationship can withstand anything. But the next time we take a detour through a field to get to a Walgreens, I am opening the door and jumping.
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